Out of Turn
by CrysWimmer
Summary: Complete! I took a single thought from the "spoilers" on series episode 4 and decided to throw it into my Out of Hand continuity and see what kind of a mess Lee and Kara could get into. Lee finds out more than he needs to know about Kara's past.
1. Chapter 1

Out of Turn

By Crystal Wimmer

Rated R for Sexual Situations/Language

Possible spoilers for episode 4 of the new series - in concept, but not in story. I took the rumor that was given regarding what might happen in the episode between Lee and Kara, and placed it into my Out of Hand continuity - the story is mine, only the "oops" belongs to the series.

This chapter may seem to have some gaps, because due to the restrictions of ff.net, I'm being conservative regarding what I leave in. Please see my site, the bsg03fanfic site, or e-mail me for the full version if you require it and are of age. Thanks!

Chapter 1

Kara Thrace stepped out of the tiny shower stall with hair that was still slightly soapy but would have to do. Two minutes of water wasn't all she wanted to get her shower managed, but she preferred the two minutes of warm water in Lee's stall to five minutes of cold water in general quarters.

She rubbed her hair dry with a towel, then wrapped the cloth around her body until she could get her hair combed out and grab the underclothes she would sleep in. She wasn't any more thrilled about her current sleeping arrangements than she was about her shower, but she was trying to be amenable about the situation. After all, Lee wasn't any more excited about it than she was.

Lee Adama was their Commander of Air Group, and her direct superior along the chain of command, but he was a hell of a lot more than that. Not only did he keep duty assignments equal, efficiency ratings accurate, and spacecraft conditions monitored, but he was also the best person she'd ever known for keeping warm in the cold nights of space.

Unfortunately, he was also honest to a fault, and the schedules he set up had them on opposite shifts as much as similar ones. Nights spent together, whether sleeping or otherwise, were rare. This was one of the rare nights where schedules had coincided and theoretically they would be sharing a bed. At the moment, he was still in his office, still shuffling papers, and that damned bed of his was still cold. It wasn't that she was complaining – exactly - but she was both tired and grumpy from lack of sleep, food, and… attention. She wasn't above admitting that she had certain needs, and at the moment Lee was one of them.

She sat for a moment on the edge of his bed – nearly twice the size of the bunk she had in squadron quarters – and then decided that she might as well find out just how long he was going to be. Tossing the towel she'd used over a rack in his bathroom to dry, she opened the quiet door that led to the office which divided his living quarters from the main Galactica corridor.

As she stepped up behind the diligently working man, her irritation faded slightly. He hated this as much as she did. Bent over his desk, Lee was intent on his task, crunching numbers and evaluating possibilities with an analytical mind that she frankly envied. Kara could sight down a Cylon cruiser at nearly a two mile range, and she rarely missed, but visual and spatial conceptualization was a long ways from the mathematical skill that Lee demonstrated. He had a gift for even distribution, mental division, and general patterning that was incredible. She couldn't hope to do his job.

He was also a diplomat to the core, which had kept her ass out of the fire on more than one occasion. Still, enough was enough, and she knew he couldn't go on this way indefinitely. In the six months since the decimation of the Colonies, he had spent far more time working than not, and even with her carrying out some of his duties as a deputy CAG, he still bore the brunt of the work.

Not that she didn't do a fair share. She flew patrols, listened to pilot gripes, evened out as many disagreements as possible without his direct intervention, and sat in on more meetings than she cared to count. For that matter, just to have this one night with him – a few hours to share a bed, and with any luck at all his body – she had pulled a sixteen hour shift on the deck, grabbed four hours sleep, and then worked another twelve hours in CIC which was her least favorite place to be. Still, it now gave her twelve uninterrupted hours that overlapped nicely with Lee's eight hours, and she had every intention to make the best possible use of them.

"You coming to bed?" she asked as she slipped up behind him, sliding one hand down the front of his regulation shirts and using the other to fiddle with his ear. He moved away with an almost involuntary motion, but she caught the grin.

"I'm almost done," he told her with a kiss to her arm, which was currently over his shoulder. "Just a couple more things. Why don't you go lie down and get comfortable?"

"Because if I do, I'm likely to fall asleep, and that's not what I had in mind for tonight."

He did grin at that, leaning back to meet her lips in an upside-down kiss that was all the more arousing for being so chaste. "Sounds good to me," he murmured. "Let me get this finished, and I'll be right in."

"You said that an hour ago," she reminded him. When she saw the irritation flicker in his eyes, she rushed to justify her words. "I know it's important," she assured him. "And I know I can't help you with it. But you can't get anything finished if you're too tired to see straight. Come to bed," she asked again. "Please."

It wasn't like her to beg, and a couple of months ago she wouldn't have considered it, but she and Lee had developed something… special over recent months. He was honest with her, and she did her best not to hold anything back from him. It was a difficult prospect, as she was more than used to hiding her emotions behind sarcasm and snappy remarks, but with Lee it worked. For each honest admission she allowed, he provided more of the same. She had come to know him very well, and the more she learned the more she appreciated the man he was.

"Persistent, aren't you?" he mumbled as he slid his chair back and pulled her down to his lap. He kissed her then – hard and long and wet, with one hand holding her firmly about the waist and the other threaded through her hair for the best possible positioning. For just those few moments, she forgot that she was tired, and that there was a bed in the next room, and that she was aggravated at the demands placed on him and herself by unfair circumstances. For just those few moments, it was Lee and her, and pure sensation that started at her lips and pulled at places in her body that she couldn't define. Lords, but the man could kiss when he put his mind to it. He didn't break the kiss off entirely, but moved from the deep exploration into a more playful, pecking kiss that was easier to breathe through.

"Mmm," she told him when he'd finally lifted his lips from hers and rested his forehead against her chest to catch his breath. "Persistence pays off."

"Yeah, but now it's going to take me twice as long to get this finished," he said ruefully. "Please, just another ten minutes. Go get comfortable, and I'll be right in to catch a shower and then… we'll see what we can think up from there."

She smiled at him, wide and knowing and with more fire than she'd felt in a long time. "Ten minutes," she agreed. "Then I'm coming after you."

He stuck his tongue out at her, which only earned him a gentle bite and another heart-stopping kiss. "Go," he grumbled between nibbling pecks. "Otherwise I'm not going to be able to sit, much less work."

"That was the idea," she told him with a wink. Then she stood up, giving a distinctive wiggle of her bottom in his lap as she did so and watching his eyes close in a combination of desire and self-denial. It was his own fault, she decided. And besides, she'd take care of that problem if he'd just finish the frakking reports and come to bed.

She kept one eye on him as she backed through the bedroom door, leaving it open this time so that he couldn't forget about her. Once inside, she decided to forgo the initially planned seduction – Lee had a thing about unwrapping presents – and stripped off the underwear she'd hastily donned before entering his office. Then she climbed into his bed and stretched out, enjoying the luxury of a large bed – cold sheets or not – and the extravagance of a real pillow. It was one of the few privileges that the CAG insisted on, and she knew it was more for her benefit than his.

She spent a lot of time in this bed, although not frequently enough with him sharing it. Rarely having coinciding shifts also meant that they frequently worked opposite one another, and Lee had told her months back that it was stupid for a comfortable bed to go to waste – especially when she was pulling nights and needed some quiet and dark during the day if she wanted to get any rest. So she'd become accustomed to slipping into his bed, grabbing some shuteye, and even borrowing his shower. It had a mini-tank that held only five-minutes of water, and she was careful to leave half of it for him, but it did have a heater which was something that squadron showers didn't boast. If at times she felt she was taking advantage of Lee, he reminded her that as Deputy CAG she was not only entitled, but should have an office of her own. Outside a wartime situation, she would have had one. It only made sense that under the circumstances they shared.

Kara yawned, stretched out again, and tried to peek out the open doorway at Lee. He wasn't in her line of sight, so she gave up with a sigh and put her head back down on the pillow. Lords, she was tired. As keyed up as she was, and as anxious as her body was for his, she was still damned tired. After an internal debate, she decided that it wouldn't hurt for her to close her eyes a moment, just while she waited on him. After all, he'd told her to rest, and she wasn't above following reasonable instructions.

Moments later, she was sound asleep.

Lee Adama had passed tired more than an hour before, and was easing into the zone of unacceptable grogginess. He shoved another stack of papers to the side and stopped to rub his eyes for a moment. Lords, he was tired, and what made the situation worse was that he knew only a few feet away there was a warm bed and a warmer body waiting for his presence. Still, that didn't get the roster's lined up, or the supplies catalogued, or the efficiency reports completed.

None of those jobs was enough to quite distract him from the fatigue that had become a part of him in recent weeks. Kara hadn't been kidding when she'd remarked about his lack of sleep. Two or three hours a night was usually what he managed, with perhaps another hour or two sprinkled in as a nap with his head on his desk. He had reached the point where he was losing weight, feeling lousy, and getting downright obnoxious to those around him.

But the work had to get done, and Kara already did more than her fair share. And yes, there was a part of him that wanted to protect her from doing more because she was a woman, and he had been raised that women were to be cared for and treasured – in Kara's case, whether she wanted it or not. But even at that, there was too much work and not enough people to manage it – and that would be in a peacetime situation. This was definitely not peacetime. In fact, Cylons had been detected at the perimeter of their search patrols more than once, and three more hyper-light jumps had not rid them of the enemy, but had used valuable fuel and destroyed more than one civilian vessel. Jumps were hard on the craft under good conditions; with minimal maintenance and insufficient time to prepare, the ships hadn't had a chance.

So Lee was faced with organizing more patrols with less spacecraft, longer ranged patrols with less available fuel, and a bunch of pilots that hadn't signed up for this kind of hassle. Hell, most of the enlisted were simply in Colonial Service to get some cubits for college; they hadn't planned to be cogs in a war machine, much less one that was rapidly losing ground. Now he was working them double and triple shifts to keep spacecraft in the air that even his officers didn't want to fly. It was less than ideal, and that was the understatement of the lifetime.

But he wasn't going to get it done tonight. However hard he tried, and schemed, and pretended that he was capable… it wasn't happening tonight. Tonight he was exhausted, had only seven hours left before his next shift was to start, and he had done all that he was prepared to do. There was a woman waiting for him in his bed, and while he was too tired to do that fact the justice it deserved, he was not above trying.

He felt half-alive as he walked through the door to his sleeping quarters and pulled it closed behind him. He jammed a chair up against the hatch to ensure that no well-meaning but uninvited guests dropped by, as that had happened too many times in the past. He looked over at the bed and had to give a sleepy smile at the blond head peeking out from beneath his covers. Kara had the right idea; sleep sounded like a damned fine idea.

He stepped into and out of the shower in no more time than it took him to get wet. In all honesty, the drying took longer. He knew Kara would have left him most of the water, but he just didn't care. Numbers and challenges and manning were all swirling in his mind to a point where he couldn't think about anything anymore. Once he had the water off him – more or less – Lee decided not to bother with reaching for his clothes and simply lifted the covers and crawled in beside Kara.

The first sensation to reach him was pure warmth. It was easy to forget how chilled a man could get in space until he really felt warm again. Curling up to Kara was like snuggling with a heater. But this heater had arms and legs, and as soon as he got close she wrapped herself around him with a soft sigh and one knee wedged between his legs as she rested her head on his chest. His smile turned into a full grin as Kara essentially surrounded him, nuzzling in with her hair tickling his chin and her lips against his neck. He sighed as he just enjoyed the sensation of holding another human being for a while; being close to someone without the need to talk, or explain, or even remain conscious.

He allowed himself the relaxation for a long time, but oddly he didn't sleep. While his mind was ready to shut down, Kara's proximity had definitely placed his body in a position where it did not want to simply turn off. Her leg was pressed rather firmly against him, and he was hardening rapidly. The wet heat between her legs was an irresistible draw to a body which had been denied for days.

And yet she was sleeping so peacefully that he was loath to disturb her. He remained quiet for a while longer, his mind still unable to shut down due to the discomfort in certain parts of his anatomy, and finally he gave up and gave in to what he needed more than sleep.

"Kara?" he whispered.

"Mmm."

Not an enthusiastic response, but about what he'd expected. Words had never been the way to get anywhere with her. Instead, he went with actions. He ran his hands up and down her back, enjoying the soft texture and the way that she nuzzled closer to him. His hands trailed lower, over her firm bottom and upper legs, then back up again. Kara wiggled closer, clearly enjoying the attention whether she was awake or not.

With the encouragement of a positive reception, Lee gently tilted her chin to meet her lips with his own. He started with soft, sweet kisses. It was more of an experiment to see if she would wake than a true attempt at seduction. As he had hoped – although not quite expected – she took the kiss deeper, opening her mouth and letting him in. While she might have been sleeping, she was a long way from passive. Her body movements had become purposeful, and she was as actively involved in what they were doing as he was.

Kara's hands drifted over his body, her touch never gentle, and yet neither was it rough. His breath sucked in as her hands found him hard and ready, and the kiss they shared revealed a distinctive smile that could only be Kara at her most precocious. He gave her upper lip a gentle nip, and was rewarded by the squeeze of her hand on him and a more firm nip of her own to his lower lip. She was definitely with him now.

Regardless of fatigue, he didn't rush either of them. Gentle, thorough, and not missing an inch of her body he explored her, learned each texture anew, and reveled in the sensations as she did the same for him.

"I didn't think you'd ever finish that frakking paperwork," she muttered as she trailed her tongue up the inside of his right thigh. He sucked in a breath, but still didn't have enough air to reply.

((Author's edit... use your imagination))

Lee rubbed his cheek against hers, placing a gentle kiss at her temple, on the tip of her nose, and then on her lips. Her smile stayed in place, her eyes closed, and her expression totally replete. He had to smile back, both in his own physical relief and in the simple joy he saw in her features.

They had come to one another for sex on countless occasions in the last six months. They had lived in one another's pockets, sharing space when necessary and working late many nights to keep their race fighting towards hope. They had bolstered one another up when necessary, which had thankfully less often of late. They had defended one another in combat, and they'd held one another when a friend was lost or a goal unattainable. But never, in all the years he had known her, had he felt quite this way about her.

Leaning down, Lee placed his forehead against hers and took a deep breath. He knew that he was far too emotional because he was tired, and he knew that it was too soon and the circumstances were too confused for what he was feeling. But he was feeling it anyway, and he had to tell her.

"I love you, Kara."

Her smile widened for a moment, but her eyes didn't open. Then, the bottom dropped out of Lee's world.

"I love you Zak," she murmured, and turned herself over to go back to sleep, leaving Lee lost, confused, and very hurt.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

Lee wasn't sure how long he forced himself to lie there.  He did so until he was absolutely certain that his movement wouldn't disturb Kara.  He did so until he was sure that simple movement wouldn't cause him to fly apart.  He did so until he could breathe without pain.

Rationalize.  Hell, it was what he did best.  He needed to get this into perspective before he made a big deal out of nothing.  He was great at rationalization.  Facts first: He and Kara had been together six months.  At best, that was an off and on proposition.  Neither had declared undying devotion for the other, although last night he had wanted to.  Lords, he had wanted to, and it had nothing to do with the sex.  Rational.  Right.  It had just felt so good to have someone there for him, around him… but was she really there for _him_?

She and Zak had been together for years, literally.  Lee was pretty sure that sex had been a part of that relationship a very long time before the engagement, which had gone on for six months.  So if he thought about it, half-asleep and out-of-it, if she were to go with the odds then calling Zak's name was not all that unlikely.  Zak had also probably told her a thousand times that he loved her, so those particular words would likely send a sleepy mind in that direction.  That was all it was, Lee assured himself.  A tired mind and a mixed-in memory.  That was all it could be.

Or could it.  Frak, even he hated the way he over-thought the most basic of ideas.  But this time he did, because her words had stung.  More than stung, if he was honest.  He'd never told a woman he loved her.  Not ever.  And to do so, and then be reminded that she loved Zak, had been more than an irrational, sleep-deprived mind could take.  Hell, if she was sleep deprived and sleepy, then didn't he deserve the same consideration?  He could be frakking irrational if he wanted to be; he'd earned that right.

But irrational or not, he couldn't change how he felt, and he needed sleep.  He couldn't manage that curled up next to a woman who didn't even know who he was.  And if that was childish, then fine.  He really didn't give a flying frak.  The ready room had beds, pillows, and even blankets.  It didn't have Kara, or warmth, or quiet… but right now the constant traffic flow and peace of mind were more important than comfort. 

Gently, carefully, he disengaged himself from Kara.  It wasn't easy.  Especially in that it wasn't only his arm under her head, and behind her back, and his knee between her legs – but there was also another part of his anatomy that hadn't quite given up hope, and moving now was psychological torture.  The odd part was that they often fell asleep this way, and laughed about it in the morning.  After all, if an alert was called it would take them half an hour to untangle their limbs.

He wasn't laughing.  He just wanted to get free without waking her.  It took him some time, and effort, and more than one strained moment when she tried to snuggle closer even as he moved away.  Somehow he managed it, though.  Once up, he cleaned himself off, put his shirts and sweat pants back on, and headed to the ready room.  His last glance of Kara was her curled around his pillow as though seeking warmth.  The sight was seared into his mind by the time he made it to a bed.

Luck was with him for a change, and the room was mostly deserted.  He grabbed a pillow – a privilege reserved for the pilots who protected the fleet in this world of too many people and too few supplies – and then a couple of blankets.  Wrapping himself mummy-style, he took a cot, backed himself up against the wall, and tried to turn his mind off.

There were a couple of times when he heard the murmur of voices, but they were quickly silenced at the sight of the CAG trying to get some shut-eye.  Hell, he would be answering questions for a week with the rumor-mill such as it was, but he'd already decided to claim a simple case of insomnia and not wanting to wake Kara.  At least, that as the popular version he'd planned.  Lords knew what he was going to tell Kara herself.

Gradually, painfully, Lee eventually eased into a troubled sleep.

Kara woke, stretched out, and smiled.  The vague soreness in certain bodily locations told her that the night before had been something worth remembering.  She had some vague impressions – Lee above her, warmth, utter relaxation for the first time in memory.  Hell, if it hadn't been for that telltale soreness and dampness between her thighs, she would have thought she'd dreamt it.  As it was, she headed for the shower and a very quick rinse, then dried off and dressed for her morning run.

She was disappointed.  Lee was already up and about, although not in his office.  She knew, because that had been the first place she'd checked.  She assumed he was out running one errand or another, but didn't let it bother her.  After all, they both had things to get done.  In her case, she had a run to do, and maybe some time in the weight room, and then her shower and getting ready for duty.  If she wasn't mistaken, she was slated for a flight today, so that also meant checking the Viper, arguing with whatever tech she got until she could get her hands on Tyrol for the real scoop, and then finding Lee for a kiss before she got out of there.  It was a dumb tradition, but one which had served her well.  So long as she got her kiss for luck, she figured she could conquer the world.

It was something Lee had started months before, right after they'd come together as more than friends and less than anything else.  If either of them had a flight, they made a point to get a kiss before leaving, knowing that so long as they'd said good bye, then both would be fine on the mission.  The law of the universe, used for good.  If they planned for problems, then problems never occurred.

Once Lee had even gone out without his kiss – she'd been tied up in command – and he'd lost an engine half-an-hour into the flight.  It hadn't been all that dangerous, but it had set the pattern for self-preservation that they observed even today.  Superstitious as hell, but she could live with it; most pilots relied on something irrational to get their butts into the cockpit.

So, in all, Kara's morning wasn't a bad one.  She ran, grabbed a decent breakfast, then showered in main quarters so she wouldn't use up Lee's hot water.  If it all seemed a bit incomplete as she walked down to the flight deck to check her bird, then she tried not to dwell on it.

"Morning, Starbuck," Sharon called out as Kara came down the stairs.  While Kara was content to smile back and wave, Sharon had different ideas.  "So, what's up in lover's lane?"

It was too early for anger, so Kara settled on confusion.  "Huh?"

"Oh, right," Sharon joked.  "The CAG just sleeps in the ready room for fun.  Seriously, Kara.  What happened?"

Kara shook her head.  "Nothing happened," she argued.  "He was in his room last night.  He worked late, came to bed… I'm sure he came to bed."

"Well, he didn't stay," Sharon said softly.  "Maybe he had work to do or something," she suggested.  "But I saw him myself around five, sound asleep from what it looked like."

Kara's brow furrowed.  Sharon had no reason whatsoever to lie to her.  "Why would he…?"

"He's a guy," Sharon said with all the wisdom of a woman who had lived with one for half a year.  "Who knows what they think."

Kara grinned, but she wasn't feeling a lot of humor at that moment.  She wanted to know where Lee was, why he wasn't there, and what in hell he'd been doing in the ready room.

By the time she'd checked her bird, made sure that all lines were secure and electrical equipment operational in addition to standard checks required of her, she was getting antsy.  Lee knew the schedule – hell, he made the schedule – and he'd never failed to meet her before a launch.  In confusion and more than a little frustration, she headed for the ready room to put on a flight suit and prepare for the long-patrol.  She had another rook as her wingman, so she wound up helping the kid with his own uniform as well as managing her own.  That didn't bother her; what did, was that Lee was nowhere to be seen.  Something wasn't adding up, and she didn't have time to redo the math.

A glance at her watch confirmed what the speakers were announcing.  Flight Team Beta, Thrace and Rockman, were to be on the deck.  She didn't have time to go looking for anyone.  Frak.

She was more than a little short with the rook as she completed pre-flight procedures, looking over her shoulder half the time and expecting Lee to come jogging up for a quick good bye.  But it didn't happen, and when she wound up secure in her Viper, moved into position, and then – how in the hell had it happened – launched on a ten hour patrol to the absolute outside rim of their capabilities, she was as much worried as she was hurt.

She could have called back to the Galactica, but she didn't want to answer the questions it would bring about.  Most of the pilots would understand the superstition of checking-in with the CAG before a launch, but there was no way she was running her fears and concerns through CIC to get there, especially with his father at best, or Tigh at worst, there to intercept the message.  No, she'd just have to settle in for the next ten hours of routine flight without the tactile memory of a gentle kiss for luck.  She had never thought that it would bother her so much.

If she had known that Lee Adama was standing in the bay, watching her with the same inner-disturbance, only coupled with an anger and betrayal which he was only beginning to understand, then she might have felt a little better.  Or she might have felt a lot worse.

"How's the patrol?" Lee asked in what he hoped was a casual tone.  Gaeta looked back over his shoulder, giving a knowing glance but saying nothing about the way Lee had hovered over his shoulder for the last hour.

"Out of sensor and wireless range," the Lieutenant reported.  "But that's expected.  If all is well, we should see them back in our range within another two hours.  If we don't have them thirty minutes after that, I'll notify you."

Lee nodded.  It was nothing he couldn't see for himself, but damned this was killing him.  Yes, he'd been angry with her – although he couldn't explain just why – but they'd been angry before and had still been there for one another.  He felt like he'd condemned her or something by not following through on their little ritual, and that bothered him.  She'd made a thousand flights without his supervision, and likely would a thousand more.  Nothing was different, really.

But why did today have to be a long patrol?

With the exception of direct battle with the Cylons, the high distance long patrols were the most dangerous of a pilot's duties.   The Galactica used only passive scanners, just in case there was a Cylon listening post located anywhere they might pass through to pick up active wireless transmissions.  It was damned unlikely, but a precaution they had to take.  This meant that a Viper was outside their scanning range within two hours of launch.  On a ten-hour patrol, that left six tedious hours during which anything could go wrong, and a pilot would be completely alone but for his or her wingman.  Today, Kara was flying with one of the rooks they'd moved up from shuttle flight, and while the kid was good – really  good – it was his first long patrol and they had no way of knowing how he'd handle it.  Lee would have much preferred to be by Kara's side if an engine went out, or leaked developed in the oxygen or coolant systems, or the Tylium wasn't exactly measured as it should have been.  But instead of him, it was a twenty-one year old boy from Picon who had happened to be flying with his dad when the war had begun.  Granted, the kid had potential.  He'd had the sense to cut engines and lose his power signature so that the Cylon's wouldn't go after the shuttle he'd been in, and he'd taken to Raptors like a duck to water, but that was a long way from being a Colonial Warrior.

Still, Rockman had done his time in the sims, and he'd done his share of short patrols as well.  He couldn't learn if he didn't do, and for training Kara was the best there was.  She could even out fly Lee in that respect because while he had the instinctual knowledge, Kara had the ability to put that knowledge into language a Rook could understand.

So logically, there was not a damned reason in hell to worry about her, or the kid, or the patrol.  He had reports to organize, a schedule that still was unbalanced, and none of it was getting done with him standing by a silent monitor in CIC and thinking the worst.

"Captain Apollo?"

"Hmm?" he said, turning to face Colonel Tigh.  How long had he been there while Lee stared at nothing?

"Is there a problem?" the older man asked.

Lee shook his head, because there wasn't.  Or at least, there shouldn't be.  "No, Sir," he finally answered.  "I'm always concerned about rooks on long patrols.  I guess it has me more than a little edgy."

"Thrace may be a pain in the ass on the ground, but she'll get that kid through the flight," Tigh assured Lee with more than a little irritation in his voice.  If he'd been less tense, Lee might have smiled.  Tigh hated admitting when Kara was the best man for a job; hell, he hated to admit a woman could do anything off her back, but that was the older man's problem. 

Lee's problem was that he wouldn't know a damned thing for two hours at best, and that was going to fry his brain if he didn't get to work.  Reluctantly and yet with purpose, Lee left CIC for his office.  He wasn't getting anything accomplished there.

Unfortunately, in his present state of mind he wasn't able to get much accomplished anywhere.  He had flown a short patrol that morning – all he would trust himself with given his lack of sleep – and had planned to spend the rest of the morning trying to juggle the schedule for next week so that there was time to train the new rooks and still have personnel to cover all the patrols.  He wasn't all that successful.

He also wasn't terribly pleasant to be around, as he'd realized when the third tech had come to ask something and hadn't passed the threshold to his office.  They were positively cowering, so he could imagine what he must look like.  He'd spent a great deal of time and effort in recent months trying to get to know his crew so that he could best place them, and also so that they knew they could trust him.  The week before, he'd had a crying warrior come to him because she had found out she was pregnant and couldn't fly.  He had taken her by the hand, found the father, and somehow got the two of them down to Elosha so that the situation could be worked out.  He had never known that pregnant teenagers would be a part of his job description, but some of the rooks were barely eighteen.  He'd had to learn to be approachable.

Granted, he wasn't feeling that way at the moment.  He was feeling angry, hurt, and frustrated with himself because he should have just talked to Kara about it rather than giving her the silent treatment.  But it was always easier to ignore a situation than to confront it.  He tended to have trouble keeping his temper in line once he started trying to discuss something, and he didn't want to lose control around Kara.  Doing so just might get him hurt.  Or worse yet, it might force him to hurt her in self-defense, and as bad as he felt, that wasn't what he wanted.

"Captain Apollo?"

Lee's head jerked up to the empty doorway before he realized that the voice had come from his handheld wireless.  He'd left the frequency open so that he could get any reports from CIC.  "Copy," he responded into the unit.  "Report, please."

Gaeta's voice seemed a little anxious, but Lee tried not to worry.  "The patrol is back in sensor range," he responded.  "We have no wireless communication to indicate distress, pacing is appropriate.  They seem to be right on schedule, Sir.  Unless there's a problem, we don't anticipate voice communication for another seventy minutes."

"Roger," Lee said, releasing a breath in a slow and controlled motion.  "Thanks.  Apollo out."

He flipped the switch on the wireless to conserve power.  He knew what he needed to – power was always an issue on a battlestar – and a part of him was relieved that he could have the unit off without guilt.  Unfortunately, with that relief – and the relief of knowing that Kara's patrol was doing okay regardless of their violation of superstition – came a surge of the anger that had been just beneath the surface all day.  As much as he rationalized it, and explained it, and tried to accept it… he just couldn't help himself.  He was furious with her, and he was obscenely grateful that she was on her way back to the Galactica so that he could let her know just what was on his mind. 

And yet with that certainty that he must confront her came a concern as well.  Normally, when he finally let out any anger, it tended to explode like a Geminon volcano – explosive, colorful, and destroying everything in its path.  Kara was one who knew him well enough that she would probably forgive that – eventually – but she wasn't one to be stepped on.  Or yelled at.  Somehow, between now and when she landed, he needed to get the situation clear in his mind, because if he didn't have it settled going in, he wouldn't get there afterwards.  If he couldn't get it clear to himself, he knew he couldn't convey it properly to Kara.  And if he didn't do this right, he just might mess up something that he was just beginning to realize the value of.

Because the bottom line of the whole matter – the thing that was tearing him apart – was that what he had told her was the truth.  Somewhere along the way he had fallen in love with her, and he'd be damned if he'd let her know it again.  It gave her entirely too much power in the relationship, and he wasn't willing to trust her that far with his heart…  Not when she was calling his brother's name in the dark.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

Kara reached for her helmet just as soon as the lift started coming down. She was tired, irritable, and otherwise put out by the long patrol. She was never at her best after sitting for ten hours straight, and until she had both some food and the use of the head, things weren't going to get any better.

Thankfully, there was no one between her and those two necessities. She had her flight suit off, her business taken care of, and was seated before a full plate in the dining hall before she was faced with anything to challenge her peace of mind. Unfortunately, the thing posing that challenge was the one that she was most likely to blow up about.

"Hey."

His voice was soft, uncertain, and unexpected. Kara swallowed and then looked up into Lee's eyes. She didn't know what his problem was – wasn't sure she wanted to know – but she knew he must be upset about something. Without bothering to speak, she gestured to the seat in front of her. She figured that things could only get so uncomfortable in a public location.

"How was the flight?" he asked.

"Read the report," she told him after she'd swallowed, and then she promptly filled her mouth again.

He took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh. "We need to talk," he told her.

Great. The four words most certain to destroy any relationship, if that was what they had. Hell, she didn't even know. "Do you tell me why you spent the night in the ready room?" she asked between bites, trying to make the curiosity in her voice seem non-threatening and not really managing.

"Yeah," he acknowledged. "If you want."

She paused at that. Lee wasn't meeting her eyes, but there was something in his posture that made her feel like he was the victim here, and it ticked her off. She wasn't going to let him put this on her. "You're the one that wouldn't sleep in your own bed," she reminded him. "And you're the one who didn't show up this morning."

"This morning?" he said innocently.

She blushed, but she'd be damned if she'd tell him that not getting a kiss before flying had bothered her. "Never mind."

She was grateful when he didn't pursue the thought. "Can you meet me in my office when you're done?" he requested. That was what saved him, so far as she was concerned. He didn't order or demand… he asked with genuine uncertainty. He wasn't taking her capitulation for granted. Wise man.

"Give me ten minutes," she requested.

He nodded, and without another word he stood and left the dining hall. Kara stared at her meal for a while longer, and then finally picked it up and took it to the trash. She couldn't have kept it down even if she'd managed to force it past the tightness in her throat. Lee was going to end… whatever the hell they had. She didn't want it to end. She didn't know what it was, or where she wanted it to go, but she knew that she wasn't ready to try to manage on her own just yet. Lee was solid, and he had let her lean on him without making her feel weak. Lords, she was going to miss that.

She walked slowly to his office, not wanting to hear what he had to say. She knew it wouldn't be good. Just this morning she had been faced with a taste of managing without him in her life – waking alone, running alone, and working alone – and while she was more than capable of it, she'd found it hollow. She didn't need Lee in her life, but damn-it, she wanted him there. She liked having something comfortable to fall back on, and if that was horrible than so was she.

Stepping through the open hatch to his office, she pulled it closed behind her. Lee was behind his desk, working on something and not bothering to look up at first. She waited, determined to not show how insecure she was feeling. She was not going to let him intimidate her. She wasn't going to get upset, and she wasn't going to be childish. They had begun this relationship as adults, and she fully intended to end it the same way. But Lords, it really hurt.

When he still didn't look up after a couple of minutes, she cleared her throat. "You wanted to see me?" she asked.

He wrote something more, then looked up at her for a moment. He gestured to the chair behind her, but she shook her head. She wasn't going to take this lying down, or even sitting down. He seemed to realize that, because he stood up and leaned against the wall behind him rather than continuing to stare up at her. She might not be giving an inch, but neither was he.

"I wanted to apologize for leaving last night," he finally said. "At the time… well, I've had a chance to think about it, and it was the wrong thing to do. Ignoring this isn't going to make it go away."

She nodded as an acknowledgement, but she wasn't going to tell him that it was okay. "Make what go away?" she asked, and was pleased that her voice was so steady.

"I was… upset. But leaving was childish, just like not showing up this morning. If we're going to… We can't fix this if we don't talk about it. I guess I just need to find out if you want to bother fixing it."

Now she was lost. "Fix it?" she asked. "Fix what?"

"Last night," he told her. "When I… When you said…" He broke off, just staring at her.

"When I what?" she asked in frustration. "When I camped out in your bed? I mean, if you wanted me out, it's your room. Just say the word, Lee, and I…"

"Not that," he said, cutting her off. But there was something odd in his expression now. "You know you're always welcome in my bed. And I don't mind you nagging me to sleep; hell, if you didn't I'd probably never get any rest. Having you there is what makes that stupid bed worth getting into."

He wasn't making any sense. "So what did I do?" she asked, and she hated the way that her voice seemed so uncertain. But that was how she felt.

The odd look hadn't left his face, and his head tilted to the side as though an idea had just occurred to him. "Kara… what do you remember about last night?" he asked softly.

It seemed like a stupid question. She had been stone sober, if tired, and there was no reason she should be blacking out. What had she missed? "I remember hassling you about working so late," she admitted, thinking this nagging might be what had upset him. "And then… I guess I fell asleep waiting for you to come in. I remember that you did, and we…" She looked at the floor for a moment, unwilling to elaborate. "And then I woke up alone."

Lee looked at her for a long moment, his face unreadable. "I came to bed, and we made love," he said softly.

"That's what I meant," she admitted, and felt the red flushing her cheeks. Sex was so much easier to do than to talk about.

He shook his head at that. "We made love, and I said…" He paused a moment, his eyes closing, and she could see the pain there. "You told me you loved Zak," he finally said. "You were naked, in my arms, and I was _in_ you – and you said that you loved Zak."

Oh Lords. She wasn't sure what had happened – she'd been so tired – but the look on his face told her that he wasn't making this up. Why she'd done it, she had no idea. "Was I dreaming?" she asked in a small voice. If she'd done it – and she had no reason to doubt him – then she must have hurt him. She had never meant that… She hadn't even known she'd done it.

"Were you?" he asked, and there was more than a little accusation in his voice. "Is that… Do you pretend I'm him?"

If his voice hadn't been shaking, she would have hit him for that. But he believed it. For some stupid reason, he acted like this was a competition between him and Zak, and it was nothing of the sort. Yes, she had loved Zak, but as guilty as it made her feel, she rarely even thought of him anymore. Lee filled her mind and kept her steady, not the memory of Zak, but the reality of his older brother. She hadn't planned it that way, but it simply was.

"If you do," he continued. "I need to know. I know we haven't made any promises to one another, and if… if I'm just filling in, than I'd rather you found someone else to do it."

It wasn't just his voice shaking now. She could see his hands on the wall, almost holding him up. She just wanted to hold him – have him hold her – and pretend none of this had ever happened. As far as she was concerned, it hadn't. "Lee, I have never – ever – thought of Zak when I was with you. Not like that, anyway. You're not replacing anyone, and if I said… I can't even believe that I said that."

"You think I'd lie about it?" he asked, and there was more pain in his voice than she'd ever heard. Oh Lords, had she done that?

"No," she admitted. "There wouldn't be a point. Lee, I don't know. Maybe it was a dream, but if it was I don't remember it. And I'm not saying that you didn't hear it, but I swear I don't understand it any more than you do."

His eyes closed, as though he couldn't bear to look at her, and she felt her heart crack a little if not actually break. "I don't know what to think," he said. "But I know what I heard. And whether you meant to say it or not, or know you said it or not, I'm not naïve enough to think that it didn't mean something. Maybe you're not consciously comparing us, but…"

"I've compared you," she told him through gritted teeth. She hadn't wanted to go into this. Zak was dead – gone – and she hadn't wanted anyone to know… But she couldn't let Lee think that she was finding him lacking when he had given her more than any other man had in her life.

"I see," he told her quietly.

"No, you don't," she corrected. "Lee, you're right. We do need to talk. But I'm not going to do it standing across the room from you with a desk between us. If you want to hear this, then we need to settle in because it's a frakking long story."

"I don't want to hear about your time with Zak," he said softly.

"And I don't want to tell you," she countered. "But you need to know that… Lee, yes I loved him, but there was a lot beneath the surface that no one saw. Will you please give me a chance to explain this?"

He stood there for so long that she thought he was going to tell her "no." But he didn't. After several interminable minutes, he stepped to the side and opened the hatch into his sleeping quarters. She released a breath, and followed his gesture into the room she had so recently felt was nearly her own. The covers were still mussed from the morning, and it was nearly too much for her. Lee took a seat at the foot of the bed, sitting rigidly straight. She took her seat at the head of the bed, pulling a pillow onto her lap and resting against the bed's shelf as she hugged the softness against her. She didn't even realize that it was Lee's pillow. "Go ahead," he told her softly. "Say what you need to."

Where to start? She wondered. "First of all, I want this clear. I did love Zak. He was the first man who really saw me as more than one of the guys, and I would have loved him for that even if I didn't love him for anything else. But Lee, Zak wasn't perfect. He was young, and… maybe a little selfish. I don't know. It was something I just accepted at the time."

"Accepted?" Lee asked. He looked completely confused, and she realized that she wasn't making herself clear.

"Lee, Zak and I did… make love. But as for comparisons, don't worry. He… I know he didn't mean to… but…"

"But what?" Lee asked in frustration.

"But it hurt," she said softly. "He wasn't… gentle. He wasn't mean or anything, but he was young and quick, and I don't think he realized how strong he was. Usually after, I was… pretty bruised up. It was nothing I couldn't handle, but that didn't mean it was my idea of a good time."

"He hurt you?" Lee asked. He didn't look like he believed her.

"I don't think it was deliberate," she said softly, but she wasn't looking Lee in the eye now. "He just… When he was… He didn't think much about his partner. And part of it was my fault, because I didn't tell him it was…" She shook her head. She couldn't explain to him what she hadn't understood herself. "I was afraid he'd leave me if I complained," she admitted. "And it wasn't so bad. I… got used to it."

"Got used to it?" His voice was incredulous.

"Lee, the first time you and I made love, yes I compared. It's only normal to compare what you're doing with previous knowledge. When you fly a new Viper, you always compare it to what the old one felt like. It's not conscious, but you do it."

Lee didn't say a word, but he blushed. Apparently, talking about this wasn't any easier for him than it was for her.

"I compared Lee, but only that first time. Because… there wasn't a comparison. When you kissed me, you didn't split my lip. And when you touched me you didn't leave bruises. And you always waited until I was… ready instead of just… doing it as soon as you could get my pants off. You never hurt me. I didn't know it could…be like that. I didn't even know I could really enjoy it. Zak always did, and it… helped him sometimes to calm down or hold together. And afterwards he held me, and that kind of made up for it. I'd never been that… close to anyone. And I figured that anything good had a tradeoff. That first time with you and I, that's what it was about. I just wanted to… give you something. I didn't know I'd get anything back except maybe a hug. And you were so damned gentle it caught me off guard. You always are."

Lee was still sitting silently, but he wasn't looking at her now. "Was he… always that way."

She gave a shrug. "Sometimes more than others," she said. "Remember, it was never deliberate. I don't think he even realized that I wasn't… with him. He was a little self-centered, but most men are at his age. And he was…" she took a breath before continuing. "Lee, he was no rougher than anyone else I'd slept with, so I didn't really know anything was wrong with it. I didn't have girlfriends to ask, or a mother to go to. My friends were men, and they talked about how fast, how hard, and how many. I guess I thought it was supposed to be that way. I think Zak thought that, too."

Lee shook his head. "Our dad taught us better than that," he said softly. "He always said women were to be treasured and treated with respect."

"He did," Kara assured him. "It was just… in the bedroom. In everything else, he was pretty terrific. And he told me he loved me," she explained. "No one had ever said that to me. He said it a lot, like he was afraid I would forget. At first I was too surprised to say anything back, but once I'd… said it to him… the look on his face… We said it to one another a lot," Kara said softly. "Usually he said it first, because I didn't think about it. But I really believe he did."

"So you were willing to put up with getting beat-up in the bed every night just so someone would tell you he loved you?"

She waited until he looked her in the eye before she answered. When she finally had that sharp blue gaze on her face, she spoke. "He was gentler than anyone else had ever been," she said clearly. "I had no idea… Until you and I… Lee, I didn't know. You're the one who taught me there was more to it than heavy breathing and a lot of sweat. I don't think I could deal with it now that I know what it's supposed to be like, though. At the very least, I think I'd… speak up if it was hurting. You've spoiled me that way."

"Were there…?" he paused and seemed to think a moment. "Were there a lot of men before Zak?"

Well, if he wanted to know, she'd tell him. Honesty seemed to be the rule of the day. "Just two," she said softly. "The first was at the end of secondary school. It started as just playing around with one of the Triad players, and it got out of hand. I think that was the worst time, but maybe it's because it was my first. He was big on grabbing, and he never did take his pants off. He didn't talk to me afterwards, either. That was fine with me. I didn't have anything I wanted to say.

"The second time was in college. He was… a charmer. I figured it was all lines, but what the hell. He didn't bother with taking off clothes or even a little bit of groping before. Hell, he didn't bother with lying down. As I remember it, he didn't bother asking permission. After that, I stayed clear of guys in bars, and I worked on my left cross. I've used it more than once."

"He raped you?" Lee said in shock.

She shook her head. "No, not… I don't think I would have told him no, but he just didn't take the time to ask so I felt a little… used. I didn't like the feeling. I found out later that it had been a bet. Someone had said that I preferred girls, and he put money on my sleeping with guys. Maybe that's why he didn't really ask. I don't think it would have mattered, though. I was pretty drunk."

"And Zak?"

She smiled softly in remembrance. "We went out a few times," she said. "He didn't grope or make any suggestions, so I wasn't even sure he was interested in more than friendship. After a couple of weeks he started catching me in corners and kissing me. From there… it progressed. He was fairly gentle at first, but then he got… more aroused. That's when he stopped paying attention. After the first time, I didn't expect to see him again. I was really surprised when he was still there the next morning. He acted like that was how it should be. He wanted to do it again, but I was pretty sore so it was a couple of days before we got that far again. After a while, I got used to it. I didn't… enjoy it, but there were worse things in life.

"When he asked me to marry him it was… I couldn't believe it. I mean, someone wanted me. That had never happened, Lee. My folks ditched me when I was a kid, and the homes that the government stuck me in only took me because they had to. Granted, I wasn't an easy kid to like, but I guess it still bothered me that no one tried to… get past it. Zak was the first person who really did. I didn't want to lose him, and if that meant being a little sore a couple times a week, or wearing long sleeves to cover a couple of bruises, then it seemed a pretty small price to pay."

Kara looked away from Lee's gaze. She couldn't figure out for the life of her what he was thinking. She'd never told anyone all that. Hell, she hadn't thought of it in years, and now she'd spilled her life story. Oh well, she decided. It was done. If Lee left now, which she was pretty sure he would, then at least he knew who he as leaving. He opened his mouth to speak, closed it, and shook his head as he looked down. The silence was making her crazy.

"So, any questions?" she asked. "If you have them, ask now. I don't plan to talk about this again. Ever."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

Lee didn't have a clue how to react. A part of him was purely shocked. Kara had been one of most giving, loving women he'd ever slept with. He couldn't have ever imagined that her previous experiences hadn't been good. But what upset him more was that she didn't seem to think that anything was wrong with the way she'd been treated. She knew that she was a wonderful pilot, and she'd beat the crap out of anyone who challenged her skills there, and yet here she was, acting as though she deserved no more than to be attacked as a woman. It didn't make sense to him.

What made less sense, and infuriated him to no end, was that his own brother had been a part of that abuse. Kara wasn't holding it against him, but Lee had managed to learn how to have sex without hurting his partner; why hadn't his brother?

Thinking back, Lee remembered his first few awkward experiences with women. He'd been embarrassed and unsure, but he'd been aware enough to realize a cry of pain or even a simple withdrawal. No, it hadn't been easy. In fact, there was a fine line between letting himself go enough to finish what he'd started and making sure that he – who was larger, heavier, and stronger than his partner – didn't cause any damage. Yet easy or not, it had been his responsibility. He'd relied heavily on those first few relationships, however casual, and he hoped that the women had gotten something out of it. Mostly, what he'd learned was that casual sex was more trouble than it was worth.

"Well, if you're done, then I'll go," Kara was saying as she stood slowly. He shook himself slightly and stood as well, taking her hand when he did so.

"Kara, wait."

She shook her head. "I'm tired, Lee. This whole conversation… I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to bring up Zak, didn't even know I'd done it. I understand if you don't want to bother with…"

He stopped her the only way he knew how. Stepping forward, he held both of his arms as he kissed her. He was aware of the pressure he used – perhaps more aware than he'd ever been – and while the kiss was deep he made sure it wasn't hard. Kara returned the kiss with something just shy of desperation, to the point that he was reluctant to lift his head. "We're not finished here," he told her gently.

Kara stepped back from him, crossing her arms in front of her body in a gesture that was clearly protective. He hated that she was afraid of him now, even if that fear wasn't physical. What he said in the next moments would be important for more than just today. It would set the tone for their relationship, or lack thereof.

"Kara… you said that you loved Zak," he began.

She interrupted him. "I know that, and I'm sorry."

He shook his head, placing a hand on her cheek and his thumb over her lips. "You said it after I told you that…that I loved you."

Her eyes widened, but she didn't attempt to speak.

"I guess that's why I got so upset," he explained. "I didn't mean to say it, but it just… I didn't expect you to say it back, but I really didn't expect to be reminded of Zak just then. I know I overreacted. I'm sorry."

Kara stepped back and shook her head. "No you don't," she said as soon as she was out of his reach. "Don't you dare start feeling sorry for me. I didn't tell you my life story so that you'd give the poor, abused orphan a break. I don't need that."

Lee felt like he had whiplash. "What?"

"I know that look," she told him, her voice rising. "Poor Kara, she didn't have parents. Poor Kara, she didn't meet a lot of nice guys. Poor Kara, when she finally got something right she screwed it up."

"That's not what I was thinking," he corrected. "It's not even close."

She didn't say any more, but she stayed at a distance with her crossed arms as a physical barrier between them. "Fine, so tell me what you were thinking."

He took a breath before answering, trying to order the confused thoughts. "First of all, I was thinking that my brother was a jerk," he said softly. "We were raised the same way, and if I could figure out how to… without hurting anyone, then he should have been able to do the same. I'm also hating those other jerks, if that's important. You deserved better."

"I don't need your pity," she said with a sneer.

"You don't have it," he countered. "Kara, I'm as mad at you as I am at them. A guy can't know when he's hurting someone unless she says something. You can bet that if you'd hurt them they would have let you know."

"It's over, Lee," she said in a tired voice. "Just forget it."

"It's not over as long as it's between us," he corrected.

"There's no 'us'," she said. "There's you and me, and right now we don't belong in the same room. I can't stand how you're looking at me, and whether it's pity or anger or whatever, I don't want to deal with it. I have to work with you, and I can't do that when I'm uncomfortable with you. So I guess this has gone as far as it can. It's been… wonderful. Special. But it's over, Lee."

He was stunned for a moment, but then he realized she was opening the door, and she meant it. "Kara, wait," he said, stepping forward and grabbing her by the arm. "Don't leave. Not like this."

She tugged at her arm, but he only held her harder. He couldn't lose her; not this way. "You're hurting me," she whispered with another yank at her arm. It surprised him enough that he let go.

"Kara, please," he began, but he didn't know what else to say.

"I'm tired, Lee. It's been a long day, and a longer conversation. I think we both need some space."

"This isn't over," he told her, making every effort to keep his voice level. "I can't let it go at this."

"It's not your choice," she said softly, and then she stepped through the door and closed it behind her. He started at it for a full minute before he realized that she'd meant it, and that she was gone.

The problem with habit, Lee decided, was that one became dependent on it. Somehow, without his realizing it, Kara had wedged her way into his life, and she'd become a habit. He looked for her, he waited for the sound of her voice, and at night his dreams were… hell. He hadn't known it was possible to miss another person so much this side of death. He knew it now.

Within a week of "the discussion" – as Lee had begun to think of it – he was absolutely exhausted. He didn't sleep worth a damn without her in his arms, and he didn't have much desire to eat. He did so when he had to, when the dizziness began to affect his job, but rarely at any other time. He kept his work to his office, knowing that he was too damned distracted to be trusted in the cockpit. And he hoped, prayed, that time and space would give Kara what he had not: a reason to come back to him.

There was an old Caprican saying, that you never realized what you had until you'd lost it, and he considered it to be the current story of his life. Kara had been more a part of it than he had realized, and losing her had thrown a wrench into every activity he attempted, every single day.

He'd garnered more than one odd look in the past few days, and he knew that some of the sympathetic smiles and averted gazes had to do with Kara's return to the main Pilots' quarters. No one watched him when he came in late, passed by her bunk, and walked into his office. No one said a word when he snapped without reason or zoned out when they were talking to him. Yet instead of making the situation easier, it just made him more angry. He couldn't even do anything to hide his pain. It was an unacceptable situation at best, but he didn't know how to fix it.

So he ignored it. And half-way through the second week without her he really thought he was making progress. When he heard the knock on his office door – the one he now kept closed because it hurt too much to catch a glimpse of her, or hear her voice coming from quarters as she spoke to someone else – he only thought it might be her for a split second. He didn't even jump up to answer it, because he didn't expect it to be her. That didn't mean he didn't resent whoever it was because of who they were not.

"Come in," he called sharply. He had a desk full of crap that needed to be done, and working was one way to keep his mind off blond hair and green eyes. He reached for another stack, searched through for the document he needed, and then looked up to greet his visitor. It was the first true surprise he'd had since his discussion with Kara. "Commander," Lee said, coming to attention involuntarily.

"Sit down," his father told him. He closed the door behind him, then came to take the chair before Lee's desk.

Lee wasn't sure what the occasion was, but he did know that this was unusual. His father made a point to stay out of quarters, saying that his pilots needed a place that wasn't military. They didn't need their boss in their bedroom. Lee had agreed. For the eldest Adama to come down here, rather than just summoning Lee to his office, was damned unusual. Lee finished transferring information from the sheet he'd found to the one he was working on, then set the work aside to face his father. "What can I do for you?"

His father looked at him for a long moment, then sat back in the chair with a sigh. "You can tell me what's wrong."

Lee gave his best impression of confusion, but he didn't think he'd pulled it off. His father's next words confirmed that suspicion. "You aren't eating, you look like you've aged ten years, and half your deck crew is afraid of you. What the hell is going on?"

"Who's asking?" Lee inquired after a long moment. "My father or my commander."

William Adama looked at him for a long breath, and then two. "Your father," he finally said. "Your commander is pretty sure whatever this is, you'll get yourself together soon enough. Your father wants to know what's tearing you apart."

Lee shrugged one shoulder. "I'm fine," he said simply.

His father looked at him – into him – for a long while before he spoke. "Is it Kara?" he asked gently.

Lee averted his gaze. How in hell did the man do that? "What makes you think it's her?" Lee hedged.

His father's smile was sad. "Because she looks as bad as you do," he told Lee. "I've seen her come apart before, and I can see it starting now. The two of you used to be inseparable, but now you won't be seen in the same room at the same time." He watched his son for a moment, then played his trump card. "And because when I asked her how you were doing, she turned as white as a ghost and found someplace else to be. Kara's never backed down from anything in her life; something's screwing her up, and logic says that's you."

"I haven't done anything," Lee said honestly. "I asked her to stay; she chose not to. The door is open."

"So why isn't she using it?" his father asked. "Talk to me, son. You know I'm not an advocate of my officers… fraternizing. But the two of you were happy; anyone could see that. Now both of you are miserable. Logic says that something happened in between."

Lee looked at his father, gauging his need to know and his ability to understand. He finally decided that he couldn't lose more than he already had, and his father was more often than not a good sounding board. "I told her I loved her," he said quietly.

"Why do I think that's not the whole story?" Adama asked.

Lee rubbed his face with his hands. He needed sleep; he needed a shave. Shit, he needed Kara. "She said… well, it was a misunderstanding," Lee explained. "But in clearing the air, some things were said that… she doesn't think I can forgive. She didn't give me the chance to, and knowing what I do about her past, I can't blame her for doubting." He looked at the wall behind his father, then at the work on his desk. Finally, he met his father's eyes. "I thought if I let her go, she'd come back," he said softly. "I think I might have been wrong."

"Have you asked her to come back?" Adama said.

"Not since…" Lee cleared his throat. "I wanted to give her space, if that's what she needed. Maybe I gave her too much. But I can't force her to feel something… I can't force her to do anything, and knowing what I do, I'd never try."

"What is it you know?" William asked.

"Not all of it's my story to tell," Lee told him. "But part of it… Zak wasn't… he didn't handle Kara the way I would have. Maybe it's personal judgement, but it still made me angry. She doesn't feel I have that right."

"Was what he did against you, or against Kara?"

"Kara," Lee admitted.

"Then she's probably right," William said gently. "In any case, Zak is gone, so being angry with what he did when he was alive serves no purpose."

"I know that," Lee muttered. "But I can't help what I feel. Dad, he hurt her in a way that… affects her now. It affected us. And he wasn't the only one. She says I'm pitying her, but that isn't it. I just hate that it happened, and I wish like hell I could change it because she deserves so much better. And Dad, she doesn't even believe that. She thinks she deserves…" He shook his head in frustration; this wasn't a conversation he could have comfortably with his father.

The older man was quiet for a long time, just watching Lee as though waiting for… something. Lee didn't know what it was. "Son, each and every one of us has a past. We come to one another with experiences that make us who we are."

"I know that," Lee interrupted, but his father raised a hand.

"Let me finish," he requested. "Those pasts aren't always what we'd like them to be. We make mistakes, and we hurt one another. I don't think anyone becomes an adult without doing things that we regret. I'm sure you've done things that you'd rather others didn't know about. Lords know I have, and I'm sure Kara has as well. But those things, the bad as well as the good, form us. They make us who we are. Whatever Zak did – or didn't do – it was a part of forming Kara, and she's the woman you fell in love with. Without that background she might have been different, and she might not have been the woman that you love."

"I'm not holding it against her, and I don't pity her for it," Lee said. "But I can't just feel… nothing. What happened was unfair, and wrong, and I wish it hadn't happened. I'm sorry if that's not my right, but even if it meant that I'd never met her, I'd rather it hadn't happened. She deserved so much better, Dad. And she doesn't even know it was wrong."

"Then why is your place to tell her?" Adama asked. "Lee, all you have to do is accept her; love her. The rest is irrelevant."

"It doesn't matter," Lee told his father softly. "She left. I told her that I love her, and she left."

"Tell her again."

Lee looked up in surprise. Telling her the first time had been an accident, and the second had frankly hurt because she hadn't even remotely returned the feelings. Saying it again seemed to be counterproductive, and beyond that it would hurt even more, possibly more than he could stand. He might not have a lot of pride where Kara was concerned, but he did have some. "Until what?" he asked. "Until she punches me? Until she has me arrested for harassment? Until she finally laughs in my face. No thanks; I've had enough humiliation for this lifetime."

"Kara wouldn't humiliate you," his father corrected gently. "She cares too much about you. I don't know if she loves you… and I'm not sure she knows. Kara hasn't had a lot of love in her life; she's not sure what to do with it. You know, after Zak died, it didn't occur to her to come to us for comfort. We were grieving the same way, for the same man, and it didn't cross her mind that we might be able to share something with her. She's been on her own for so long that she forgets there's another way."

"It doesn't matter," Lee finally said. "If I come into a room, she walks out. If she can't walk out, she turns her back. Dad, I can't reach her. She doesn't want me to."

Adama gave a gentle, sad smile. "It isn't what she wants," he said carefully. "It's what she knows. She's just protecting herself, Lee. It's the same thing you're doing, and for the same reason. Strong feelings are… frightening."

"Tell me about it," Lee muttered.

"Someone has to be the strong one," William continued. "This time, I don't think it's going to be Kara. She has too much that she feels is already lost. She won't try to save what's already gone. But if you can show her that she hasn't lost you – that the love is still there despite what was said, or not said, or should have been said – then maybe she'll let you in. There aren't any guarantees, but I think it's worth trying. The question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you think she's worth it."

Lee thought about that for a moment, rubbing his hands over his stubbled face again, then through his hair. "She's worth everything," he finally said. Then, with more honesty than he thought he could have with his father, he admitted, "I can't sleep without her."

"Then we need to fix this," Adama said simply. "I want you in my room this evening at eighteen-hundred. You haven't been eating, and you need to do it. I'll make arrangements for something edible, and you'll swallow every bite, even if I have to make it an order. Are we clear?"

Lee wasn't sure what it had to do with Kara, but he nodded. "Clear," he confirmed. "Eighteen-hundred."

"Good," his father said as he stood. "And don't keep an old man waiting."

"Yes, Sir," Lee said automatically.

His father smiled, then. "You'll get through this, Lee," he promised. "We'll see to it."

As he watched his father leave, Lee caught a glimpse of Kara's back though the hatchway, but she didn't turn. He didn't try to make her. He didn't know where to start. One step at a time, he decided, and the first one had already been ordered. Dinner with his father at eighteen-hundred; maybe his father would have some ideas on how to win a skittish woman's heart.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

Kara sat at the table and shifted uncomfortably. If anyone besides the commander had ordered her to come to dinner, she would have smacked them into the middle of next week. But Commander Adama had been there for her more times than she could remember, and there was very little she could deny him. If the man wanted her to eat, she'd do her best.

And she had to admit that the food was… edible. That was more than most food was on the Galactica, and she was trying to do it justice. Just moments before, there had been a knock at his door and he'd excused himself to answer it. And that was what had brought her here – sitting alone at a table and feeling distinctly out of place.

She heard the commander's deep voice speaking to someone, then the hatch swunging shut. In the quiet, she released a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. This was the first time she'd had away from prying eyes and pathetic looks since she had moved out of Lee's room. It was selfish, but she didn't want this peaceful time to end. Dinner with the commander was undemanding and quiet; tonight she needed this. Her heart was still in pieces, and putting it back together was taking more time and energy than she really thought she had.

"Hey."

Kara's head snapped up at the voice that was most certainly not William Adama's, but rather his oldest son. "Shit," she said quietly.

"Yeah," Lee said, walking around the table and standing behind the chair his father had occupied. "He didn't tell me either."

She picked up the napkin from her lap and wiped her mouth, regretfully looking at the half-full plate that had been the best she had eaten in a long while. "I'll get out of your way," she said softly as she stood.

"Sit down, Kara," he told her, and there was something in his voice that she rarely heard; the same steel that laced his father's commands. "My dad said you haven't been eating, and I know I haven't. I don't even know what strings he had to pull to get this dinner together, and he threatened my life if it went to waste. So sit down, settle in, and finish your dinner. Then if you want to go, I won't stop you."

Kara thought about defying him, but her respect for his father kept her rooted in the spot. She didn't sit, but watched as Lee stepped around the chair and took his father's seat. He put the napkin on his lap, took a drink of water from the glass, and then watched her.

She stood for a moment longer, and finally decided that there was no point in letting a decent meal go to waste. She did her best not to look at Lee as she took a couple of bites of whatever was passing for a vegetable, and then reached for her glass. Then there was only the soft sounds of utensils against the plates and glasses clunking on the table. They ate in silence until the plates were empty, rarely looking at one another. At least, in the few glances she snuck at him he wasn't watching her. She wasn't sure why it bothered her.

"Well, that could have been worse," he said softly as he tossed his napkin on the table. "I guess it _is_ possible for us to be in the same room without the world ending."

"So I see," she said. Then, her voice laced with suspicion, she asked, "Did you plan this?"

Lee shook his head. "My dad just told me to come to dinner. He said he'd make it an order if necessary. When I got here, he said to sit down and eat, or he'd send me to the brig."

She couldn't help but smile at that. "Sounds very familiar," she said with a smile. "I got the same thing."

He looked at her for a while, his blue eyes seeming terribly sad. She hated that she had put the look there. "Are you okay?" he asked her.

"I'm fine," she assured him, forcing a smile that she thought might pass as normal, at least if he wasn't paying too close attention. Apparently though, he was.

"I'm not," he said simply. "I miss you."

She looked down at her napkin. "I'm sorry."

"Look at me," he requested. If he had ordered it, she might have been able to ignore the request, but his voice was softly pleading. "Please." She finally glanced up, meeting his eyes, and her gaze was locked there. "You can't tell me you're happy this way," he said carefully. "I won't believe it."

"Why not?" She didn't deny it – she couldn't – but she wanted to know what she was doing to spoil the illusion. If she knew, maybe she could fix it.

"It's in your eyes," he said quietly. Then, after a moment, he gave a sigh. "Do you miss me?" he asked her.

She wanted to lie to him. She wanted to tell him that she didn't, that this had been easy for her, and that she had never needed him. She wanted to, but his voice demanded honesty. Something in the genuine pain that his voice carried prevented her from making light of her feelings. "Yes," she finally answered. "Sometimes a lot."

His eyes closed in what looked like relief, and his shoulders dropped slightly as though releasing a burden. "Then what are we doing?" he asked. "You know how I feel, and even if you don't feel the same way, I know you were happy with me. Weren't you?"

"Lee…" she began, but he didn't let her finish.

"I don't think I can be that far off," he said urgently. "You smiled more, and I know you slept more. Now you spend so damned much time avoiding me that you don't have time to do anything else. You can't tell me that's your idea of a good time."

"Yes, I was happy," she said carefully. "But I won't be with you because I'm an obligation. I won't stay with you because you feel guilty about something your brother did, or didn't do. I won't wonder if you're with me because you feel sorry for me; I can't live that way."

He didn't speak for a long time, and when he did he said the last thing she would have expected. "I love you," he told her. "I loved you before you ever told me any of what had happened in your past. In fact, my telling you that is probably what set this whole mess in motion. I told you I loved you, and half asleep you answered the only way you ever had. I realize that, Kara. I know it wasn't personal, and it wasn't some hidden agenda or misplaced desire. It was just… habit."

Kara didn't know what to say to that. She crossed her arms over her body, rubbing her arms with her hands to relieve the chill that seemed to be creeping over her. She just wanted to get out of here so she could have a good cry without anyone watching. She just wanted to get through the next few minutes without falling apart.

"Kara, I can't apologize for wishing you'd had an easier time of it growing up. Whether you believe it or not, you deserve better. You have one of the strongest spirits I've ever seen, and you're just about the most giving person I've ever known. I believe that deserves more than rough treatment and idiots who don't appreciate it. But I don't feel sorry for you. You were strong enough to get through it – all of it – and I'm thankful for that. You're also strong enough to put me in my place when I'm out of line, and get me back on track when I drift. You help me relax, Kara. You give me perspective that I just don't have when you're not there. You see people for what they are, and you don't give an inch, and you don't' even realize what a gift that is. But I see it, Kara, and somewhere in the last few months, I've come to rely on it. You make me… better. You don't just make life easier, but you make it better. And I know that half of what I'm saying can't make any sense, but it's how I feel. I love you, and I need you, and I'm absolutely miserable without you."

By the end of his little speech, Kara was shaking. She had tried to tune out the words, but they had managed to weasel their way through her defenses and find their way to her heart. Partly, it was because she felt the same way. Lee filled the gaps in her personality the same way she filled the gaps in his. It was why they were so good together, so good for each other, but that didn't make believing him any easier.

While she had sat there trying to find a way to fight him, a defense that she could use against his calm logic, he moved around the table to kneel down before her. She wasn't having much luck with thinking of why this shouldn't work – couldn't work – but she wasn't ready to give up. When his hands settled on her face, fingers in her hair and thumbs brushing her cheeks, she knew he wasn't going to play fair. "I screwed up," he told her quietly, punctuating the words with a gentle kiss. "I need you. Give me another chance." Another feather-light kiss. "Please."

She could have fought him if he'd screamed or argued, but his gentleness slipped under her defenses with surprising ease. Her eyes closed as he brushed his lips over her cheeks, her nose, her forehead. She wanted to run, or hide, or anything if it meant being able to control what she was feeling, but his hands held her suspended between reality and some fantasy that was beyond anything she had ever hoped. He wanted her, and he wasn't asking for anything in return. He loved her, and that didn't mean he wanted her to do something for him, or to him, or with him. He needed her… just the way she needed him.

The gentle touches of his lips had trailed down one cheek and to her neck. Sensations she had missed far too much began to settle in the pit of her stomach, and her arms uncrossed to slip around his neck in a familiar hold. She could almost feel the relief course though Lee at her action, and his arms encircled her body and he just held on. With his face tucked into her neck, and his arms around her body, he held her. He didn't demand anything more, or push her any farther, but instead he just held on as though she were the most precious thing in the world and he'd finally gotten his arms around her again.

She didn't pay attention to how long he held her. Time lost its relevance as he stood up, taking her with him, his arms never letting go. He turned around to sit in her chair, pulled her carefully to his lap, and then continued to keep her close to him.

Kara took the time to enjoy the scent of freshly shampooed hair and simple, clean man. His arms made her feel safe, and wanted, and yes… even loved. She wondered absently why that had frightened her so much before, and then she remembered.

Men didn't love her for no reason; they wanted something. They always wanted something. Even Zak, who had been better to her than any other man, had wanted to show her off. He had liked dating an instructor, and he had made a remark about the "Mighty Starbuck" more than once in their shared bed. She'd thought it was a fair price to pay for the comfort and security he provided her during the day, and the way he had taken her into his family.

But Lee didn't brag about her. He kept their relationship discreet, and he never demanded more of her physically than she wanted to give. He never asked for anything, although he'd never said no when she'd offered something new. And it had never been just about sex with them, either. He had held her after bad days with no expectation – or even a refusal – of sex. He knew instinctively when she was too tired, or too preoccupied, and he respected those times. It was the closest thing to unconditional understanding that she'd ever known, and she had reveled in it. He broke all the rules she'd come to understand when it came to men, never bragging or pushing or taking.

It was something she hadn't experienced before, and that was what had frightened her so much. Faced with losing it – the mere thought that he might make her go – she had taken the offensive and pushed him away as far and fast as she could. She had felt a taste of what it would be like to lose him because she'd made a stupid mistake – in this case, one she hadn't even been conscious of making – and instead of trying to fix it she had run for safety.

But until this moment, when his arms were around her, his head on her shoulder, and his lips at her neck… until this moment she hadn't realized that there were some things worth risking her heart for, some things worth fighting to keep. She hadn't realized that whatever time she could have of this, it would have to be enough because she might not find it with anyone else. Lee didn't just care about her… he loved her. Whatever that meant, he loved her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to him, kissing his hair and fighting tears. "I don't' know how to do this. I thought you wanted me to go, and it would be easier if I just did it than if I made you kick me out. I thought…" She sniffled, only then becoming aware that her face was damp. Oh frak, she was crying. Great. "I thought it was what you'd want; that you were only asking me back out of obligation."

"I asked you back because I can't think without you," he admitted with a humorless laugh. "I can't sleep, or eat, or fly. Do you have any clue what a pain in the ass that is? I can't even think to fly without knowing you're waiting for me to get back. Is that stupid, or what?"

She laughed at that, a damp and hiccuping sound. "I don't… I'm not even sure I know how to love. Not really. I sure screwed it up this time, didn't I?"

"I think we both did," he admitted with a sigh. "And if we both messed it up, then it will take both of us to fix it."

"Makes sense," she agreed, nuzzling her lips against the soft, short strands of hair. "Where do we start."

He pulled back until he could face her, and while his face was dry he didn't look any more certain than she felt. "Come back to my room," he requested.

"I'm not on duty," she thought aloud. "Your dad fixed it so that I'd have the night off. He said that if I got a full meal in me, then I might be able to sleep for a change."

"I am, but the only thing I'm flying is a desk. No one will care if I do the paperwork tomorrow instead of tonight. I can have Syrus pick up any CAG duties if they come up. It just takes a phone call."

"Isn't that changing the rules for personal reasons?" she asked him carefully, ever conscious that they set an example for the squad whether they intended it or not.

"If it straightens out the CAG from hell, I think they'd all stand up and cheer," he told her with a wry voice. "The last week has been… rough on everyone."

Kara nodded, and then moved to stand. His hands remained on her hips even after she'd taken her weight onto her own feet. "I'll clean up," she suggested. "Go talk to Lieutenant Syrus, and then I'll meet you in your room. It's probably better than if we walk down there together."

He nodded, but his hands didn't move.

"Lee, I mean it," she said with a soft laugh. "If we've made it ten days, then we can make it another half hour. I don't want to leave your dad with this mess. It was too nice of him to set it up."

Lee finally nodded, releasing her waist and standing up next to her. Before she could move clear of him, he took her face in his hands and kissed her with a gentleness so perfect that she nearly started crying again. "If you don't show up, I'm coming after you," he told her. "And I'm likely to bring a squad of marines with me."

She gave him her most mischievous smile. "I'll be there," she agreed. "Be ready."

He kissed her one last time, then slipped out the door. She watched him go, and then turned to the table to start cleaning up what was left of their meal. When she had done so, she left a short note of thanks on the table for Lee's father, and carried the tray of empty dishes to the kitchen.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 

Lee looked around his room and tried to get rid of the nervous energy that seemed to be pervading him. It was silly, he decided. He and Kara had been together a hundred times before. He had nothing to be nervous about. But he was.

The knock at his door made him jump, and he shook his head. Dumb, he decided. Very dumb. To begin with, Kara had never needed to knock, and after that, it wasn't as though she'd never been in his room. It was practically hers as well, or it had been. He still had her toothbrush in his locker and the t-shirt she liked to sleep in under his pillow. Okay, so he was sentimental. He could live with it.

"Anybody home?" she asked as she stuck her head through the hatchway.

"I'm here," he said, but he found it difficult to move. It was awkward, because they had never been tentative around one another. From the first time they'd come together, it had been pure energy and affection tempered by very little conscious thought. They had never felt the need to be embarrassed around one another. But now, after so long apart, he wasn't sure how to act or what was expected.

She stepped through the hatch, closing it behind her and bracing it with the bar he'd found for that purpose. Then she moved towards him, her expression as uncertain as his, and her smile positively shy. It was as un-Kara-like as anything he'd ever seen.

Shaking his head, he finally decided that enough was enough. He stepped forward and slipped his arms around her, drawing her head to his chest and rubbing his other hand up and down her back. Kara sighed at the sensation, hugging him back with more strength than finesse. It felt good to know that she'd missed him as much as he'd missed her. It also felt good to have her against him. Nearly the same height, they lined up perfectly; she felt right.

He just held her for a very long time. In all honesty, for him it was more about having her in his life than in his bed. Yes, he loved to be with her in all ways, but he'd learned that she was more than a lover. She was his stability, just as he seemed to be hers.

"Can we lie down?" she asked. Her voice was soft, tentative. He never had been able to deny her.

Reluctantly he released her and led her by the hand to his bed. At the side, he unbuckled her coveralls and helped her ease out of them, leaving her in no more than her underwear. Then he stripped off his day uniform so that he was dressed – or undressed – in a similar manner. She had already kicked off her running shoes, shoved his covers out of the way, and had taken her place on the far side of the bed. He lay down next to her, not sure what she expected. He didn't want to just pounce on her, but if she wanted to… well, he certainly was ready, willing, and able. Lords, he'd missed her.

As soon as his head hit the pillow, Kara bridged the distance between them and lay down half atop him. With her head oh his chest, her hand beneath his shirts and lying on his stomach, and her knee tucked between his, Kara was at home. He wrapped his arms around her, enjoying the tickling sensation of her hair in his face. He had always realized how right she felt, but until now he hadn't realized how much he needed that sensation. He needed a place to belong, and this was it.

The words were out before he thought about it. "I love you," he said softly, and then squeezed his eyes closed in regret. Shit, this was what had gotten him into trouble in the first place. But somehow he had a hard time not expressing the emotion when she was in his arms. He'd missed her, and he needed her to know that on an unconscious level. He _did_ love her, and in many ways beyond the obvious.

"I…I love you, too," she said carefully. Then, she lifted her head to meet his eyes. He gazed into sparkling hazel as he heard her words. "I'm not sure I know what it means, but I do. Is that good enough?"

He smiled at that. How could she still feel she wasn't good enough for him when he was the one who kept screwing up? "How about we learn together," he suggested.

She smiled at that, snuggling down into his arms again with a sigh. He had to agree. Yes, he wanted to make love with her. He'd missed her body as much as her mind and her encouragement, but for now it was enough to have her in his arms. She felt right there, and he didn't want to let go even long enough to pull back to kiss her. He just wanted to hold on. Kara didn't seem to mind. In fact, within moments her breathing had taken on the soft, heavy regularity that she only achieved in sleep. He peeked down at her, smiling when he saw the peaceful expression on her face. With her energy banked, her body still, she was even more precious to him. So few people ever saw this side of her; he felt honored to have the privilege. He was even more honored that she trusted him so completely after what they'd been through. It was like being given a gift.

Moments later, he followed her into sleep. It wasn't hard to do. Lulled by her regular breathing and encouraged by a week of fitful sleep and overwork, he held tight and slipped into oblivion, loving her in his dreams as they hadn't taken time to do awake.

Kara woke slowly, warm and soft and comfortable for the first time that she could remember. She nuzzled into her solid, warm pillow and recognized the resiliency of Lee's chest almost as quickly as she realized she wasn't on her bunk. Lee's chest. Lee's room. Lee holding her. She smiled involuntarily. Everything was right in her world, and she was smart enough to know it.

She shifted slightly, stretching to relieve the stiffness of being in one position for too long. It wasn't the easiest thing to do with Lee wrapped around her, but she didn't mind. She was just grateful to be there.

As she moved about, she became aware of several other things. To begin with, she wasn't absolutely exhausted. She wasn't completely rested either, but she felt far better than she had in a long while. Next, she realized that Lee was moving slightly, shifting as she had, stretching stiff muscles.

"Morning," she said softly, raising herself up to look at him. Neither of them had turned off the light the night before, so she found herself staring at the bluest eyes she'd ever seen. Those eyes had always gotten to her.

"Good morning," he replied, giving her a gentle squeeze. "What time is it?"

She stretched sideways to get a look at his clock. "Oh-six-forty," she told him. "I'm on shift at ten."

"I'm off today," he told her.

She grinned. "So we have… some time?" she asked in her most innocent voice.

He smiled back, and it was nearly devilish. "Oh, yeah," he told her. With that, she found herself rolled over and tucked beneath a body that was surprisingly heavy for its leanness. He was strong and muscular, and he made her feel safe. Even beneath him, with his knee between her legs and her body pinned, she felt no fear, only anticipation.

He didn't kiss her right away, as she had expected him to do. He ran his lips along her hairline, down her cheek, over her nose, and down to her chin in a brushing, rubbing kiss that kept her entranced. Once he'd made it to her neck, sucking and nibbling gently, he worked his way back up to her lips. She got to the point to where she just wanted him to kiss her and get it done. She even moved and wiggled beneath him, trying to encourage him to move his lips up… up… just a little more…

When he raised his head, he just smiled at her, and she knew he was playing with her. She wasn't sure how she felt about it though. She wanted him – needed him – and goofing around wasn't what she was looking for at the moment. "Kiss me," she told him. "Please."

He was more than happy to oblige, and he proceeded to do so both deeply and thoroughly. As always, she was struck by his gentleness, but now she had to wonder if it was just the way he was, or if it was a reaction to what she'd told him about her past. She supposed it didn't really matter. She enjoyed it, he was smiling, and that seemed to be enough.

For the longest time he just kissed her. Lips first, and then gentle sucking hisses down her collar-bone and around the neckline of her shirts. He stroked down her arm before his kisses went that direction, nibbling on her fingers when he got there, and then across to her waist. By the time he finally nuzzled the fabric of her shirts away, his lips beginning a path back up on bare skin rather than cloth, her breathing was getting erratic and she could swear he must be able to hear her heartbeat.

She wasn't completely still under his hands and lips. She did her fair share of stroking as well, down to his waist, and up under his shirt so that she could enjoy the feel of his back as he moved over her. The wiry strength always caught her by surprise as she felt the bunch and pull of muscles beneath skin, and as always she was amazed at just how warm his body was.

And then she stopped thinking. His mouth had found one breast, and the sensations he was creating were making her insane. At her gasp, she felt him smile, his tongue flicking around the nipple before he settled in to suck on her long and hard. He wasn't hurting her, but the feeling was so close to the edge of pain that she knew he wasn't holding back because of what he'd been told. That reassured her as his words could not. It hadn't changed the way he felt about her, and it wouldn't change the way he treated her.

By the time he'd finished giving her other breast the same thorough treatment as the first, she'd managed to claw and pull his shirts up over his head, freeing her to look and touch without any barrier. He'd done the same thing with her, tossing her shirts over one shoulder before coming back to her with something bordering on reverence.

He was the only man who had ever made her feel this way, as though she was precious and valued and loved. Before him, sex had been an act of physical release that she had forced herself to tolerate. It hadn't always been awful, and there were parts of it she had liked, but Lee was the only one who made her really want it, look forward to it. From their first time, when a simple kiss of comfort had taken on a life of its own, to the night he'd loved her half-asleep, there had been something in his touch that she needed. It had kept her coming back when she hadn't known if she should even be there. It had kept her near him even when there was nothing at all sexual in their time together.

Lee finally sated himself at her chest, and his mouth started to wander. He tickled his way down one side, sent her into a gasping arch as he nibbled over one hip, and it wasn't until her underwear were long gone that she realized he'd even been headed in that direction. Then he worked his way back up her body, licking and gently biting, kneading and caressing, until he could look her in the eye.

"Last chance," he told her with a grin. "You sure you don't want to put a knee where it will do the most good?"

She laughed at that, remembering the threat she'd made long before, under far different circumstances. "Only if you stop," she told him as her fingers slid beneath the waistband of his underwear. "If you do, I'm not responsible for my actions."

He laughed softly. "Not much chance of that," he said in a distracted voice. His eyes were already following the path his hand was taking, an as he reached her inner thigh she caught her breath. Lords, he knew just how to touch her to make her insane. And touch her he did, thoroughly, deeply. She was moving around beneath him so much that she was amazed he could even keep atop her. But somehow he managed, taking her body higher as he did so, until she thought surely she would fly apart. And then he stopped.

It took her a moment for her to catch her breath, and when she did she gave him a look of pure frustration. "What?" she asked softly.

He just grinned. "Now I get to start all over," he whispered, and proceeded to do just that. But this time, Kara wasn't idle. She let her hands roam over his chest, loving the feel of warm skin and soft hair. From there she moved her hands down his sides, kneaded his firm buttocks, and smiled as his body jerked forward to hers and his breath came in with a gasp. If he could tease, then she could do so as well.

And she did tease for a while, their voices blending with soft sighs and the occasional moan of pleasure. When her hand wrapped around him he gave a gasp, his head dropping down to her neck and his hands moving into a more supportive position. She knew what was coming next; she knew him.

"Okay, you made your point," he told her breathlessly.

"You ready to get down to business?" she asked, unable to keep the smile from her face or her voice.

He didn't answer verbally, but his body told her all she needed to know. His hips moved down, his knee shifted her legs apart, and Kara felt him come home.

Breathe, Lee thought. Inhale – one time. Just one. He managed to get in a breath of air past the physical sensation of being completely surrounded by warm and moist flesh. He had forgotten, he decided. That was it; he'd just forgotten how this felt. Never mind that it had only been a few days since they'd been together. Never mind the every time they did this it took him off guard. Never mind that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to move again.

Her body gripped him firmly, perfectly, just as her arms held the rest of him. Her hands were not still, but roaming up and down his back, trailing over his backside, and making sure that breathing remained a concerted effort. And even at that, it was several moments before he had enough strength to move within her.

When he finally did, he found that he couldn't stop. In fact, keeping his rhythm slow and steady was the best he could manage as Kara's hands moved back to his chest, fingers trailing over nipples and making coherent thought an impossibility. He sucked in another, much-needed breath, and then he tried again. Slow, he told himself. Slow. He didn't want to hurt her…

"Lee?"

It took a moment for the words to penetrate his intensity of thought. "Hmm?" he replied, out of breath and strained to the limit.

"Go ahead," she said softly. "You won't hurt me."

He shook his head. "Don't be so sure," he gasped. At the moment, it was all he could do to remain still. He was terrified that if he moved again, he would lose all control, all reason.

"Lee?" she said more sharply. Her hands left his chest, moving up to cup his cheeks and force him to look at her. She was so beautiful there, with her hair tousled and her eyes so huge, her skin glistening with a fine layer of perspiration. "I love you," she said softly. That caught his attention, because regardless of his position, it was the first time she'd said the words without prompting. "And I trust you," she added. "You won't hurt me."

He watched her expression for a moment, looking for any sign of strain or discomfort. All he saw was a gentle smile and the most beautiful eyes he'd ever come across. "I love you, too," he told her quietly.

And then the time for talking was done. His hips moved sharply, urgently, and Kara's body answered his in a perfect counterpoint. The two of them seemed to move in perfect rhythm until he couldn't stand it a moment more. Holding his breath, he waited for her to catch up. It didn't take long. After no more than two additional thrusts, she cried out and her body tightened around his as she curled up towards him. He held her that way for a moment, still and quiet, and just enjoying the sight of her going over the edge with the knowledge that he had helped her get there.

When her body quieted, her eyes half closed and her smile still at half-mast, he started to move again. Her sigh of contentment did wonders for his ego; she might be finished, but she enjoyed letting him have his turn. It didn't take him long to go over the precipice himself, and when he did he felt Kara reach up to hold him tightly, her strong arms surrounding him as though keeping him together.

It was a long time before either of them could breathe normally. Lee had slid to his side, taking her with him. She had tucked one knee between his legs and had both arms around his body, her head against his chest. He looked down at the top of her head and couldn't resist leaving a gentle kiss there.

"I've missed this," she told him softly. "I've missed you."

"That goes both ways," he said. "But it wasn't just this." When she looked up at him, wide eyes speaking the question without words, he explained. "I love to have you close," he said gently. "But I need to know we're okay. Having you angry with me… eats away at something in me. I… need to know that you're here for me, and that you'll let me be here for you. We've lost too much, Kara. I don't think I could manage if I lost you too, either figuratively or literally."

"I know," she answered. "I just… I guess I need to know that you want me here because of me, and not because you feel sorry for me. I spent a lot of time with foster-families over the years who had taken me because of obligation or guilt. I won't be a charity case. I can't."

"You're not," he assured her with another quick kiss. "You never were. How could I feel sorry for someone who is so strong? Kara, you keep me sane around here. And I'm not just talking about when the big stuff hits the fan, but the little things too. You're there when I've had it with the pilots' complaining, and you know who to assign on what team to keep the peace. You do as much of my job as I do, and you're also the bridge that put my family back together and keep it that way." He took a moment to brush long bangs out of her eyes and tuck them behind one ear. "I don't just love you," he said softly. "I need you. And given the state of the world we live in, that scares the hell out of me."

She watched him for a moment, then put her face against his chest and pulled him tightly to her once more. "Tell me about it," she muttered. "But Lee, I'm not good at this… relationship thing. I mess up, and I don't mean to hurt you, but…"

"That's all I need to know," he said, cutting her off. "And it was as much my fault as yours, anyway. If I'd woken you up, and asked right then, we wouldn't have had a problem. Instead, I decided to sulk long enough to set you off. That was my bad judgement, not your mistake."

"So neither one of us know what we're doing?" she asked with more than a little humor in her voice.

"Maybe not," he admitted. "But I figure that if we just take our time, and do things a step at a time, we'll get through it. Think of it as a game of Pyramid. You don't show your hand before you make your bid. If you get things out of turn, they fall apart."

"So, I messed up with saying the wrong thing, then you messed up by taking it personally, and I messed up again by attacking you when you were just trying to understand."

"In a nutshell," he agreed.

She grinned up at him. "So that means you get to mess up next time. It's your turn."

He gave a gentle laugh, holding her closer to him, and gently kissing her lips. "I'm sure one of us will," he agreed. "But let's not borrow trouble.

"Sounds fair," she agreed. "We've got enough to worry about without making our own problems."

Lee didn't answer, but he nodded. A glance at the clock told him that their time was limited, but he didn't want to let go. He would have to; there was more to life than what happened in bed, but he hadn't felt this comfortable in a very long time. He glanced down at Kara again, seeing her eyes closed and her hands slack where they had come to rest against his chest. She was out cold. Carefully, he extricated himself from the bed, soothing her quietly when she moved about restlessly, and making sure that the blankets were tucked carefully around her so that the chill in the air wouldn't wake her.

Then he grabbed his underwear and uniform to dress in the head – a cramped proposition at best, but he didn't want to wake Kara. Finally, he glanced at her one last time as he slipped out his hatch and closed it back so that the room would stay quiet.

He gave the roster one quick glance to confirm where she was supposed to be, and then put a line through her name and added his own. After what he'd put her through, he figured the least he could do was let her get some sleep. She'd probably be mad at him for it – she was so damned independent – but if he could give her a few more hours of sleep then he'd do it. Besides, it was his turn to mess up, and he wouldn't want to let her do it first. Lords knew what would happen if they allowed themselves to get out of turn.

The End J


End file.
